South West Wiltshire Liberal Democrats

Sir Miles Groppling OBE his spot.

Following a request from himself this slot has been allocated to Sir Miles Groppling OBE.

We're providing this as a service to Sir Miles and his large audience. Views expressed are not those of the website providers, in fact it's safe to say that we disagree profoundly with everything which follows, especially those bits which are libellous, slanderous, plagiaristic, politically incorrect or downright illegal. Anyone wishing to complain about the content should do so directly to Sir Miles, OBE.

................................................

Many years ago I was earning a reasonable living by depriving elderly persons of their life savings. Owing to an oversight which was entirely my fault I ended up in court and had to cease my activities. The judge was a thoroughly sound chap and when he came to hand down the verdict he said, "Sir Miles, I can see that you're a thoroughly sound chap with previously impeccable character, so a custodial sentence would not be appropriate. You stated in evidence that you've given the profits of your criminal activities to good causes so there's no point in fining you. So what I propose to do by way of punishment is to deprive you of your knighthood." I wept bitter tears to let the old chap see how upset I was, but no sooner was I out in the world of freedom than I put my knighthood back on again, and went of for a well-earned holiday in Bermuda.

.

Here are two new words for your dictionary:

Doogling - mindlessly typing words into Google for no particular reason.

Clinking - As in clink here for WC www.wiltshire.gov.uk

...........................................

My contacts in Berlin have asked for a guide to the Labour leadership contest. Here it is:

Es gibt zwei Millibaender. Nicht eins. Zwei. Es gibt auch ein Balls. Das is nicht zwei Balls. Eins. Es gibt auch eine Frau und einen Schwartzer Mench. Das ist aber einen Person. Eins - nicht zwei. Und es gibt noch einen, der niemand weisst, muss aber ein sein.

Das macht funf, und sie sind die kandidaten. Wir wunschen alles den besten Gluck.

............................................

Members of Parliament are supposed to be collectively responsible for running the country. They have ultimate responsibility, in theory, for the state of the economy, the National Health Service, the taxation and benefits system, our armed forces, the police and criminal justice systems, relationships with foreign powers etc. All extremely complicated matters.

The problem of how they should get paid for what they do is a very simple one. The average twelve year old could sort it out it in half an hour. Yet all 650 of our MPs can't get anywhere near a solution in an almost infinite number of man-hours. We should pay them less.

.

When I was in the heart of government many years ago I had a friend who wrote scripts for the so-called 'Yes, Minister' series on the televisor. For reasons of security I can't reveal his real name and will call him by his code name of 'J'. He was always asking me if I had any ideas for programmes, so one day after a long and very liquid lunch I sat down at my desk and sketched out some ideas.

"What have you got for me Miles," he asked when I met him in the club that evening.

"Well Douglas," I said, "I've got three fairly brilliant plots I think you'll like. Imagine the Home Secretary is a person of the female persuasion. While she's working late in the office her husband pops to the video shop, takes out a couple of mucky films to entertain himself, then hands in the receipts and charges it to the taxpayer as part of Mrs Home Secretary's parliamentary allowance."

J looked concerned. I went on.

"My second plot is about the PM getting a visit from the head of the anti-terrorist branch. As he gets out of his car at 10 Downing Street he's holding a file giving details of an IRA attack which the police are aware of and about to thwart. The press blow up the photos and reveal all, making the police and the PM look foolish."

J frowned.

"The other one - you'll love this - is about ministerial researchers who deliberately spread naughty stories about leaders of the opposition party by leaking to the press. The press print them, all hell breaks loose, everyone blames everyone else and the minister has to step in and sort everything out."

J looked grim. "Miles," he said, "I'm sorry old chap but satire is like caricature. It has to be close enough to the truth to make the point but far enough from it to be amusing. If you move so far away from plausibility that you're in the realm of fantasy then you've missed the point. I'm afraid your plots are so utterly incredible I couldn't possibly use them."

Oh well, I thought as I went home. I'll keep them just the same. Might come in handy one day.

.

The throwing of green custard at The Lord Mandelson reminded me of when I was in the Secret Service when the cold war was at its hottest. We had reason to suspect that a couple of our colleagues - Oxbridge types, of course - were feeding information about secret documents to the Soviets. Nowadays if you want to sell a secret you just attach the document to an email and send it to President@kremlin.gov.ru , but in those primitive times you had to obtain the document, secretly copy it, and then arrange a dead letter drop to get it to the enemy agent.

We resolved to try to catch the suspects red-handed - almost literally. We left a package in an intray with the label 'How to make an H-bomb - top secret' as bait. Inside was a small explosive device which, when the package was opened, would shower anyone within ten feet in purple dye. It would also trigger a radio message to reveal to the security personnel that the trap was sprung.

The ploy worked perfectly. By pretending to work late the treacherous pair found themselves alone in the office. They took the bait and the package exploded. Immediately the police entered the building and arrested the purple traitors.

.

News reports say that people in the USA have hacked into computer systems which control the matrix signs on the freeways. They've changed them to read '"Zombies ahead". Now hacking into a computer system must require a huge amount of cleverness and ingenuity. So why, having got their mits on the controls, do they come up with such an unimaginative and childish thing to write on the signs? Couldn't such clever people find a clever slogan?

You - "Don't forget the USAsians actually believe in Zombies. It might seem puerile to you and me but to them it's something to inflict genuine terror on the USAsian motorist."

You're quite right of course. I take it all back.

.

According to a report I've just read "A recent survey by Help the Aged revealed that 4.5 million pensioners plan to live in one room this winter because they can't afford to pay their fuel bills." I suppose overcrowding is one way to keep warm.

.

I saw a sign beside a service station on the M5 the other day. "Costa Coffee Inside 24 hours." Didn't stop - damned if I'd want to wait that long.

.

TV chappie 'Andrew Marr' to chancellor fellow 'Darling, Alastair' on doubling income tax for the poor:

Q - "Did you come into politics to make poor people pay more tax?"

A - "No, I came into politics to encourage people to work harder."

Interesting answer. Most politicians mumble conventional replies to that question about wanting to help their fellow man and put the world to rights. I can imagine the Darling child looking out at the world and saying, "I see the evils of want and idleness. I know my destiny. I shall become a Labour politician, I shall increase taxes on low earners and make prices of basic commodities go up. That'll make the blighters work!"

Incidentally, why are members of parliament so stupid? When Gordon Brown said "I'm reducing basic rate from 22p to 20p and abolishing the 10p band everyone cheered, despite it being obvious even to a dimwit like me that that meant a tax increase first and a decrease only for the better off. Yet our MPs didn't notice until the change actually happened. We should pay them less.

.

I saw this headline to a government press release. "New Deal helps someone find work every three minutes." Seems to me whoever this person is they also need telling how to keep a job.

.

Q. With a large pinch of what healthy commodity should prognostications by experts telling us what to eat be taken?

.

It has come to my notice that reporters from the Sunday Telegraph are stealing material from this Spot. This is not allowed, though of course gentlemen from The Times may extract whatever they wish.

.

So the government thinks the middle classes drink too much. This is impossible. An acceptable level of consumption is, by definition, that which is consumpted by the middle classes. An unacceptable level of consumption is that which is consumpted by the lower classes. This applies even if the former level exceeds the latter. The upper classes are generally too drunk to understand the concept of an acceptable level of consumption. Quite right too.

.

In this country we're rightly proud of our democratic systems, which, like the Health Service and the National Football Team, are the envy of the world. Less primitive nations can only look on in wonder and awe. I was in Mbongoland when King Aethelbert the Second passed on. In accordance with tradition his successor King Aethelbert the Third sent messengers to all the tribal chiefs saying he was going to hold a megapowow. We were all very excited at this. The chiefs all came to the capital expecting the twenty-one days of feasting and debauchery which tradition demands precede the choice of a new king. Although everyone in Mbongoland gets to vote for the new king, only the votes of individuals from selected villages count. After only three days of drunkenness the new king announced that since he was king anyway the vote was a waste of time, and with the rising price of debauchery he was stopping the process and sending everyone home.

Naturally the chiefs and tribespeople got very upset and Aethelbert was suspended from a Boomagong tree until he dried out. Poor chap.

.